18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you鈥檙e also done with the conversation.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I鈥檝e never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
How to woo a woman
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: For dinner we鈥檙e having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Me: *at the children鈥檚 museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’