Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰