I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“No way.” -Jose
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory