*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad