[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?