I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
How to woo a woman
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*