My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
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My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
then why did i get this email
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
dude it’s called proctologist
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Dolls on drugs
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all