My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
You Might Also Like
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
what’s more important?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Breaking news:
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”