[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t