I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’