You better watch out
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It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Strangers have the best candy.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight