“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
You Might Also Like
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
It’s actually Dr. whatever
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.