Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”