If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Awesome parenting 😂
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat