Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.