Otters drive ottermobiles.
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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret