I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The Assassin.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*exercises sarcastically*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]