job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.