Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.