My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
So the ex texted me
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…