I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.