DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above