I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”