I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”