I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“I FIXED IT!”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave