PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers