Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Personal question. #JustSaying
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.