me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.