*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc