“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes