Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”