I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.