Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
You Might Also Like
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
pls suprot
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Welcome
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!