i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
You Might Also Like
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.