Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*Inspirational Tweets*
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Investing in beetcoin
Me trying to “trust the process”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.