Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
when you don’t want to be too vague
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.