my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
You Might Also Like
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that