Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
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I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.