Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
reviewed some movies recently
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too