“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy