So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
u guys got any snacks onboard here
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble