My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Milk Cube
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.