In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder