My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Wednesday
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur