[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)