“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
scared to check what name she chose
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?