wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.