Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.