[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure