You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
When the stylist spins you back around
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”